Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
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My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.