I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
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The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.