T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Running from your problems is cardio .
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
A dead goose is called a ghoost
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it