T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.