the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
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[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.