T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
That’s a good costume, I hope.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.