T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
You Might Also Like
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller