T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.