Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
estão todos miauvindo?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*