[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
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ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.