Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
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At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My dog learned how to text
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
i- i did not expect this
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”