Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I feel seen.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!