@hasht4g: Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can't climb, or run.
@teddywah: Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.
@KyleMcDowell86: Has anybody told raccoons about crosswalks?
@FeelingEuphoric: [at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*
Priest: the bride, sir
@jwomackou: Wife: how'd you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
@LizHackett: It's 11:48 PM. You can't sleep. Underneath your bed, there's a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.