Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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Going into Monday like
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
liiiiiiiiike
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili