Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”