I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
You Might Also Like
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Festive toon…
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.