Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.