Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…