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@DvuslyMarvelous: TacoBell - America's preferred over-the-counter laxative
@madeleinesweet: *on the subway*
CUTE GUY: [mouths “hi”]
PRETTY GIRL: [mouths “hi” back]
ME, IN BETWEEN THEM: [exaggeratedly mouths "YOU GUYS LIKE HOTDOGS"]
@dshack8: Sometimes I'm right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.
@InternetHippo: JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life
ME: This guy is definitely an only child
@arresteddev: They're upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
@OutOfLeftField_: I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, "Should I help?"
Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."