Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.