Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
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[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’