@DvuslyMarvelous: TacoBell - America's preferred over-the-counter laxative
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.
@lazerdoov: I bought "extra whitening" toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
@shariv67: Him "You run like a gazelle." Me "I'm graceful?" Him "No. You'd be easy prey for a mountain lion."