so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
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I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I didn’t realize that was an option
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I needed a laugh this morning.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.