Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
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A short story of betrayal:
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.