*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.