Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
some cats are just doing for fun!
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?