If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
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Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?