Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
$3 #books
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?