me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda