I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
You Might Also Like
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
How dramatic are you?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.