Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Lol
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler