Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.