Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant