“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
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[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
bias laundering edition
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.