Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
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me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.