@claire_mudie: Some people are doing stuff with their lives!! Let's mock them.

@AndyAsAdjective: ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready! 6YR OLD: what are we having? ME: you'll like it! trust me! 6: I ain't falling for that shit again

@Parkerlawyer: Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating. Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

@chuuew: Wife: Want do you want for dinner? Me: Surprise me. Wife: I used to be a man. Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

@jimmytorosian: Person: Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Me: I understand. *I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn't fed me*