take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
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This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Blew out my flip flop…
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN