take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
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Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
A game married people play.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton