Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
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HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work