Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
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Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I think my mom just blocked me
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
#FunnyLife Insects
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.