Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
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It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.