Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*