I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat