Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
moms in horror movies
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”