Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
My safe word is Worcestershire
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
“I wouldn’t.”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
“TGIM!” – My liver
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
This checks out
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice