Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
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I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Natty or not?
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.