Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
ok like just. call me at this point