I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.