“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
You Might Also Like
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What