Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
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my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Reporter: *ports again*
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.