I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You Might Also Like
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry