Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Just parrot things
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
This will teach them to underestimate me
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?