Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
A wise man once said nothing.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.