When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You Might Also Like
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Perfection.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake