GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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when you are just born a rebel
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
this is what they would have looked like, though